


Ravage

by KarnagePhoenix



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depressing, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Melancholy, Separations, The Author Regrets Everything, This is pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:02:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KarnagePhoenix/pseuds/KarnagePhoenix
Summary: "You have it easy Kirua."From here, everything shattered.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Kudos: 28





	Ravage

**Author's Note:**

> I've being quarantined for three weeks now, and it probably shows on my work... this is depressing, don't read if you feel down.  
> Also, English is not my first language so don't be too harsh on me and tell me if you see any mistake or if my sentences feel funny or strange.

Being friend with Gon was like being on a rollercoaster. You’d have some peaceful time and gentle ascension in-between ecstatic phases during while adrenalin and euphoria would run through your veins. It was like watching fireworks during summer: some lights delicate and harmonious, some other dazzling and overwhelming with bright blasts of colors … but yet surprisingly intoxicating. 

Being friend with Gon tasted like those candies, sweet in the outside and fizzy on the inside. Always surprising.

More importantly being friend with Gon felt like there would be no tomorrow. Like there was no yesterday anymore. It made you think you could realize the impossible. Climb every mountain and climb back up every dark abyss you have fallen in. It was a blessing, really. Because Gon went through life with such spontaneity and innocence he could only gave it to you too. He could make you shine even when you came from misery and hatred.

These were Kirua’s thoughts while he looked at Gon’s back from behind. Gon’s rage was radiating from every pore of his skin and Kirua couldn’t reach for him. He was too far gone, even for him.

It was the first time, he thought, it was the first time being friend with Gon _hurt_. And like everything Gon did, when he hurt someone it was full force. The blow wasn’t physical and yet Kirua felt his legs trembling and his chest contracting. He clenched his jaws. How could he say _that_ to him ? Wasn’t he the one who followed him to hell and back ? Wasn’t he Gon’s best friend ? How could Gon pretend Kirua had it _easy_?

That day Kirua rediscovered a feeling he thought he would never experience anymore after leaving his family. At least not when he decided to give his faith to Gon all those months ago. But he put away his pain. Put on a brave face instead. Gon was spiraling and even if Kirua couldn’t see his face nor his eyes, maybe his words could still reach him. People said all sort of nasty things to their friend when upset. Things they didn’t mean at the end of the day, so Kirua really shouldn’t be bothered to that extend right? He inhaled deeply, closing his mind to the pain and that sly feeling of betrayal. He had to. For Gon’s sake. So he made sure to be totally in control of himself, of his feelings, of his voice when he talked again. Though distress showed itself through his words. 

“I know this is just your temper talking” _,_ he said. But that fact didn’t make it hurt less. That’s why he was glad Gon was turning away from him. Because he knew his eyes went a little empty, betraying his sorrow… His eyes were not like Illumi’s after all (and he was _totally_ glad for that fact). Sometimes it frustrated him… Kirua was different from his other siblings. His family regularly reproached him to show (and feel) too much. Kirua knew it was fair to an extent, but he also knew he wouldn’t trade this characteristic of his. After all… It was what Gon liked in him right ? Well Gon… Sometimes emotions would just overflow, and he would find himself crying. And when it comes to Gon…he was never in control. His psyche just gave in to anarchy and chaos. That’s why he wasn’t excessively surprised to feel so helpless against his own emotion. It didn’t make it easier to tame his spirit, but he was a professional thank you very much.

_Was it how loving someone felt?_ that day Kirua learnt another lesson. Loving someone, as a friend or as a lover (there was no real difference), loving someone and giving someone their affection, baring their soul and heart… it was taking a risk. The risk to get crushed and misunderstood. The risk to be hurt on the road because with the ecstasy of a friendship always comes a darker consequence. And Kirua shouldn’t be surprise by that lesson, really. He, better than anyone else, should know that everything comes at a price. And for sheer happiness you shall sacrifice something in return. Giving your trust means accepting the possibility of getting hurt … and not by anybody… by the very person you gave your adoration to. 

Life was cruel. No, not cruel, ironic and cynical. Life was _cynical and tragic_. Kirua should know that. After all, he has been the object of Illumi’s obsessional attention for so many years now he should know that loving doesn’t necessary mean caring and vice versa. He was pretty sure his brother loved him in a strange and very morbid way. Illumi wanted to possess and control, he couldn’t understand how loving someone was also about the other. Illumi loved like he lived : without empathy and _if that wasn’t incoherent._

Kirua could only discern Gon’s profile from here. But he clearly saw his clenched jaw and his frown. That was bad. Gon’s lack of discernment rarely get them in such a hazardous situation. Gon’s words also had a deeper meaning. One that Kirua was not in a hurry to analyze. For all those months Gon had been his first and best friend Kirua came to think essentially about _us_ and not about _I_ anymore. They were _two_ , _Gon and Kirua._ He thought it was an evidence, a certainty, something like the earth revolution around the sun, or the immensity of space. For Kirua it was an eternal truth, but Gon’s attitude right now weakened his conviction. And an insidious doubt dug his head with its filthy words.

_Maybe Gon never thought about you in the same way. Maybe your friendship isn’t as unshakeable as you thought it was. Maybe you are just… disposable._

Kirua suddenly felt on trial. From here, everything shattered.

Later, when Gon will be lying in this awful hospital bed. When Kirua will come back home (even if for Kirua _Gon_ was home), he will take a decision. A harsh one. Maybe harder than living his old life, his family, Illumi.

Alluka and Nanika will ease the pain resulting from this decision, of course they will. And when he will look at Alluka’s big blue eyes so similar to his, he won’t regret it, it will hurt less.

But when he will think about those other eyes, brown and gold and sparkling, always carrying a light (a light Kirua sought for his entire life it seemed), he will feel miserable, hopeless and so _so_ alone. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for your time ! I hope you had a great time reading my work. If so, I'm always glad to hear about it.


End file.
